Mommy Guilt

Today I got to pick my 5 year-old up from preschool, take a nap with my 3 year-old, and in a little bit hold my 4 month-old for the first time in two days. Sounds like a pretty good day right? These days it is all about the little things.

Yet, I still feel torn. When I am home with Katherine and Will I feel guilty for not being at Charlotte's bedside. When I am at the hospital with Charlotte, it kills me that the older two are missing me at home. I need to clone myself. I know I can't do it all, and I have accepted that, but it is so hard. It makes me feel guilty every time I leave and Katherine cries and hugs my leg and begs me not to go. I missed Charlotte's first feeding today because I (unexpectedly!) fell asleep while laying down with Will this afternoon. More guilt. I thought I would have all this time, just sitting and watching her sleep. Instead, today has been a whirlwind. When I am not running back and forth, I am hooked to my pump. Which provides more guilt. I have high anxiety about not having enough milk for Charlotte when she starts eating frequently. They said after a day or two I will be able to nurse her a couple times a day but the rest will have to come from a bottle so they can measure her feeds.

Guilt is nasty, and compounded with exhaustion it can make a person a bit emotional. Though overall, we are all doing well. Charlotte looks really good this afternoon. She is off of the morphine, and now on super-strength motrin for pain. As I said above, she ate earlier; my mom was able to feed her 2 ounces which she was eager to have. They think they will be able to take a couple of her lines out later and her oxygen has been cut way down. The chest tube did its job and her respiration rates are good. In little bit I will be able to hold my baby, and that will feel so good.

It was fun to pick up Katherine from school today and talk with the kid's teachers and other parents. Their preschool has been fantastic. Everyone has been amazing and Katherine told me that her class prayed for Charlotte yesterday and today. They made sure she had an extra special birthday as well. We gave Katherine a locket with Charlotte's picture in it yesterday morning. She forgot it at school today and one of the teacher's drove it to our house this afternoon because they knew how much it meant to her.

Will spent the morning grocery shopping with Kate. Kate says she has never had so much fun grocery shopping. He "drove" the car around the store and helped her pick out what they needed. Will is such a chill kid and seems to be rolling with the punches. We both fell asleep this afternoon in his bed, with him holding onto my thumb (he has done this with me since he was a baby and I would nurse him while he gripped my thumb with his entire hand). He is so sweet.

The older kids sent a pumpkin back for Charlotte that they colored. We made sure to take a picture and show them that she got it. So sweet.

Mike and his parents are home tonight having dinner with Katherine and Will. My mom, Kate and I are ordering Chinese. Missy is stopping by later as well.

We are blessed and so thankful that so far, so good. I am going to try and get over this guilt, all us moms are too hard on ourselves, right?

I'll post pics later tonight. For some reason I can't get them to send to my email from my phone. Not much of a signal in the hospital.